mindful parenting – Jenn Sheridan

Becoming a Pretzel

If you put yourself in a position where you have to stretch outside your comfort zone, then you are forced to expand your consciousness. ~ Les Brown

I love how parenting stretches me, literally and figuratively. Every time I think we’ve got it all figured out, something happens that throws off our delicate balance and we get to find our sea legs again. It happens often enough to make me feel like the off-kilter is the normal and the balanced is the unusual, which can be a bit unsettling at times, especially when one of your children is at his best when he can anticipate what is coming next (to put it lightly). At this point, we have many tools in our toolbox gathered over the last few years of untangling where all the challenges lie, but by far my favorite is Spirit Time.

The idea first formed when I left the corporate world to stay home with my boys three years ago (when they were 10 months and 2.75 years old) and has evolved over time as they have grown and changed (as have I!). Originally about me missing a more formal morning practice, wondering how I could incorporate meditation into a schedule that was entirely not my own, it has become an opportunity to infuse a little stillness and connection into our chaotic days. A little meditation, a little reading, a little movement — that is the goal, although depending on the day I’m happy to hit on any of those three and call it a success! While Spirit Time certainly appears to be most successful first thing in the morning, when the boys are themselves most capable of stillness, grabbing a few minutes at any time of day can have positive effects.

We had an especially fulfilling Spirit Time earlier this week and it was a great reminder of why I like to do this, why it’s an important tool in the toolbox even when (or especially when) it feels like there’s never enough time, and how the effects of one morning can last for several days.

“Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.” ~ L. Frank Baum

My summer babies are still 3 and 5, which is a good thing for me to remember when I choose what meditation to do on any given day. I’ve found that the more formal the meditation, the less likely they will have the attention for it; however, we frequently practice focusing on our breathing throughout the day — they don’t think of it as meditation, but it is building a practice all the same. That said, I still try guided meditations as it is its own practice. This week we tried a couple of meditations from YouTube. “Kids Meditation #5 – Light as a Feather – Soothing, Relaxing – Brahma Kumaris” started off lovely — I was really enjoying the process of having my body float area by area — but I noticed Spider Boy’s breathing had a catch to it. When I opened my eyes I could see he was growing increasingly anxious and tears were starting to well up in his eyes, so I stopped the meditation. It turns out that the idea of “floating” was disturbing to him — it was as if he didn’t like the idea of being untethered from the earth — so we did a little grounding exercise to help him reconnect and relax. Whew! We had a lot more success with the short film “Just Breathe,” by Julie Bayer Salzman & Josh Salzman. While not directly a meditation, it shows adults meditating and has kids talking about their emotions and then breathing. Bean got especially into it, doing a lot of deep breathing, and afterwards we got out our mind jars and enjoyed watching the glitter fall for a little while.

My YouTube playlist kept going at one point and started the beginning of a chakra meditation, which caught the boys’ attention. What was most fascinating about it was Spider Boy’s reaction to her talking about Mother Earth and Father Sun. He said that didn’t make any sense, she had it all backwards. “All planets and all moons are male, and all stars are female. Because the stars are made of gas and they are gentler. Planets are made out of rock which is harder.” (Apparently gas giants are still masculine due to their rocky core.) From there we had a great conversation about masculine and feminine, talking about the active versus receptive energy. I love getting to see things through the boys’ eyes — it opens my eyes to different ways of seeing things, and enables us to have even deeper conversations about life and the universe and the energy that connects us all.

“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” ~ Rumi

This is a household of avid readers. When there isn’t a book in hand, there are frequent requests to listen to stories, and failing that then stories are told by the boys themselves. However that content can vary from the gentle to the extreme depending on the individual and the day. Reading during Spirit Time is an opportunity to focus on spirituality and developing emotional intelligence. One example from this week was Wayne Dyer’s I Am: Why Two Little Words Mean So Much . While not what I expected, there was a great summary at the end of what I thought the whole book was about — the power of “I Am” statements and how what you say following an “I Am” influences how you feel and even how events can unfold. Dr. Dyer encourages you to “try on” a variety of “I Am” statements to see how they feel. When I tried it, I could feel my body vibrate at different levels; however, when Spider Boy tried it, it just made him uncomfortable to say things he didn’t feel so he couldn’t tell the difference. Instead, it became the basis for an ongoing conversation we’ve had all week — whenever I catch myself saying something that doesn’t feel good (“Nobody ever listens to me!”), I call myself on it and reframe (“That would have felt better if I’d said ‘Everybody makes mistakes sometimes.'”) This book also kicked off a good discussion about Source energy. Spider Boy said, “I knew it was all around me, but I’d never thought about it being inside me too!”

We also reconnected with an old favorite of ours, Seven Spirals: A Chakra Sutra for Kids by by Deena Haiber and Aimee MacDonald, which inevitably leads to a discussion about the chakras (Bean always chooses to learn about the Throat and Third-Eye chakras because blue is his favorite color, but Spider Boy is happy to talk about all of them), and On the Day You Were Born by Debra Frasier, which emphasizes our connection to all life.

“Lionel says his parents are vets. Sometimes, my daddy’s a dog.” ~ Baron Baptiste

We’ve loved many different yoga videos over the years, but haven’t had as much success with kids’ yoga books . . . until we met Baron Baptiste’s My Daddy is a Pretzel: Yoga for Parents and Kids. All the kids in the class are talking about what their parents do for a living, and the child whose father is a yoga instructor connects each one to a yoga pose. Having it be a real kids’ story that the boys could relate to held their attention from the beginning, and then they wanted to do all the poses (which would have been a huge win if we hadn’t had to get ready for school!) We’ve had so much fun sampling the different poses as time has allowed, but the Pretzel is the most requested. Only time will tell if it supplants Dead Bug Pose and Downward Dog as the perennial favorites!

“Summer fading
new friends’ faces
lighten the way home.” ~ Jon J Muth

Life has been a little more intense than usual around here the last couple of weeks, and we were in desperate need of settling down. When the idea to have Spirit Time came to me Tuesday morning, I thought I was a little crazy. How could we do it and still have time to get ready for school? But the truth was, we spent 35 of our precious morning minutes on Spirit Time that day and still were able to get out the door earlier than usual, so when the opportunity arose (read: early rising) to try again a couple of days later, I jumped at the chance and was met with similar success. This morning when we stumbled out a little groggy-eyed and ready for some weekend vegging, the boys chose to wait patiently for me with a book in hand. Spider Boy read Jon J Muth’s Zen Ties to Bean, a sweet book that focused primarily on loving-kindness but also reminded me that when we at our busiest sometimes the best choice is to take a step away from the goal in order to better situate yourself for moving towards the goal. That certainly was the case for us this week on the mornings we chose to incorporate Spirit Time. I’m feeling much gratitude towards the pretzel-y nature of parenthood and the lessons I continue to learn. Namaste.

Photo: “Morning Yoga,” by ╚ DD╔.

This post includes affiliate links — please know that when you click links and purchase items, in most (not all) cases I will receive a referral commission (thank you, thank you, thank you!).

Structuring the Unstructured

Spider Boy is many things. Inquisitive. Observant. Independent. Imaginative. Playful. Funny. Sweet. But he is also highly-sensitive and spirited. I’m not much into labels, but I’ve found these to be helpful ones in that they’ve given us a foundation to work with to figure out how best to support him. The best description I’ve found to describe this comes from Raising Your Spirited Child: “Spirited kids are, in fact, simply ‘more’ — by temperament, they are more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and uncomfortable with change than the average child.” I laughed the first time I read that — “more” is exactly the word I would have used to describe Spider Boy — but over the years what has really come into play is that bit about being more “uncomfortable with change than the average child.”

This year being his first year of preschool, this discomfort with change became a noticeably large hurdle for us, whether it was special days at school like holidays or Crazy Hair Day, or weeks off from school for vacations, it didn’t take much change to throw him off. However, this year also made us realize just how much he thrives on routine and structure, and how much better he does when he has information about what to expect. It has been a bit of a struggle for me — I’m more of a play-it-by-ear kind of gal — but I’m learning through trial and error what works and what doesn’t. So what to do with the luxury of a long, unstructured summer? I remember them fondly from my own childhood, but the major regression after just one unstructured week for spring break made me quickly realize we needed something to help structure our 14-week-long summer.

Since spring break, we’ve experimented with the idea of a more regular routine. I realized I had it in my head that a routine was more like a high school schedule — first bell at 7:05 am, first period starts at 7:15 am, second period starts at 7:52 am, etc. That kind of thing is crazymaking for me! But the good news is that Spider Boy doesn’t need anything that explicit — he just needs to know that generally speaking, by 9 am we’re going to be ready to get out of the house and do something fun, and here are the steps we will take to get us there. We won’t be doing exactly the same thing at the same time every day, but generally we will be doing one or more of the same things in the same 1-2 hour period each day. I posted our routine up where he can see it — you can see a sample here — and he loves to ask what time it is and then run over to “the schedule,” as he calls it, to see what we’re going to do next. This has been working fairly well for us, once we worked out a few kinks, but on non-school days we have still had a little too much wiggle room for comfort. Enter my (un)structuring brainstorm.

We’re starting the summer by “celebrating” a letter each day. I am not making any other changes to our routine — we are doing essentially the same kinds of things that we would have done on non-school days previously — just adding the focus of a letter each day. So the books we read begin with that letter, the yoga poses we use in Spirit Time begin with that letter, everywhere we go when we see something that begins with that letter we call it out, etc. Once we’re done with the alphabet, we’ll move on to colors, shapes, and numbers. We’ve just finished our first week, and it was surprisingly successful, however it was also a transitional week that included a sensory camp held at Spider Boy’s school the same days he would have had preschool, so next week will be the true test.

My plan is to write up notes for what we do each week — what worked and what didn’t, along with the books/videos/excursions/etc. that I’ve found for each topic — so that if you find yourself in a similar boat with a spirited and/or highly sensitive child, you can find some inspiration here. I would love to hear what is working for you and your families this summer as well — please share your ideas in the comments!

Week One: A-B-C-D-E
Week Two: F-G-H-I-J
Week Three: K-L-M-N-O
Week Four: P-Q-R-S-T
Week Five: U-V-W-X-Y-Z

Spirit Time

“”It may be hard to believe that stopping to meditate together just a few minutes each day could possibly make your kids happier and more peaceful and confident, but give it a try for three months and see for yourself. I saw it in my own children, and I see it all the time in the families I work with as a children’s meditation teacher.”
~ Kerry Lee MacLean

When I first left my for-pay job to stay home with my boys, I had a dream of reinstating my daily meditation practice. My then 10-month-old son was not yet sleeping through the night, or anything close to it—Bean hated our daytime separation so much that he would often cluster feed at night to get the mommy-time he craved—so my previous routine of getting up early to get some me-time wasn’t really working. I knew it was an idea to keep working towards, but I needed something to feed me in the interim. My aha! moment came when it occurred to me to include my boys in my practice, and Spirit Time was born.

Spirit Time is my opportunity to do my practice in front of my children, and they are welcome to join in if they choose to. That doesn’t mean that it looks anything at all like my typical morning practice, which really requires about 30 minutes of alone time to feel satisfying. It is much more kid-friendly, including meditation, movement, and reading.

Meditation

My boys were not yet 1 and 3 when we started Spirit Time, and now they’re not yet 2 and 4. This makes for a pretty loose interpretation of the concept of meditation. When I started, I would simply sit on my meditation cushion and attempt to watch my breath “in the middle of the marketplace,” otherwise known as our playroom-of-a-living room. I’ll put on a New Age Pandora station or turn the TV to Comcast’s Soundscapes to provide some calming background music, perhaps more for my sake than for theirs. Some days I end up with a child (or two) in my lap. Other days I end up being a climbing structure. Today, Bean was having a seriously rough morning and kept melting down, so I ended up nursing him while I watched my breath.

I recently fell in love with this Simple Toddler Meditation, and I’ve borrowed/adapted a couple of components for our use. When it is time to begin Spirit Time, we often have to clean up our toys first so I sing a little cleaning song. Then I move into our Spirit Time song, sung to the tune of London Bridge: “Please come and join my little ring, little ring, little ring. Please come and join my little ring, and make it a little bit bigger.” Spider Boy will often set up a pillow for each of the boys as well as my meditation cushion, so technically there is a place for all three of us, and I will talk for a minute in a soothing voice to help let them know what I am doing, as if I am leading a guided meditation. I will take a few deep breaths and, depending on their energy, maybe take a moment or two to watch my breath, and then I’ll move into vocalizations. Spider Boy especially loves language, so I start by taking five deep breaths, making one of the vowel sounds on each outbreath. A becomes aaaah; E becomes eeeee; I becomes iiiii; O becomes ohhhh; and U becomes ooooh. Bean especially loves animals, so then I will take five or so more deep breaths, making an animal sound on each outbreath. Favorites include moooo, cock-a-doodle-doooo, hisssss, hee-haaaaw, and neeiigh.

I know as the boys get older, we can move into more traditional guided meditations and visualizations, but for now my intention is to model a sitting practice for them, and to ground my own energy, which has huge affects not just directly on me, but on them as well.

Movement

Getting my boys into yoga was one of those “seemed like a good idea at the time” ideas for far too long. Spider Boy is really resistant to “follow the leader” type activities, and isn’t one to participate when, say, there’s a song at his preschool with hand movements. He might do them later when it is his idea to sing the song, but not typically in the moment. I tried showing him yoga videos with kids doing the movements, and he thought they were amusing (sometimes), but really was not interested in doing the movements, and often would get upset with me for attempting to do them myself.

Bean is another story. Now that he is old enough to do the movements himself, he loves them, so I am one happy yoga mama. We started with a handful of toddler yoga videos from YouTube to provide a common base for us to work off of. While I love The Sun Dance (and watching either Spider Boy or Bean do a downward dog is priceless!), Bean’s favorite by far is Bug Yoga. This morning we checked out a couple of kids’ yoga videos I noticed On Demand. The Space yoga wasn’t as big of a hit as I thought it would be, but Bean loved the Farm one. At one point she has the kids doing back rolls (saying it’s like pigs rolling in the mud), and Bean got super excited and dropped onto the floor to do Dead Bug Pose. (Precious!)

As time goes on, I expect Bean to take the lead here, with Spider Boy following a little more reluctantly. As Spider Boy starts to get favorite movement activities over time, I can incorporate more of what I know he likes to get him engaged, and perhaps just encourage him to do it on his own at other times of day. I will also incorporate movement from other traditions, like qigong. But much like the meditation, my goal for now is to model movement that gets our energy flowing.

Reading

Spider Boy is an avid reader. He loves being read to, listening to audiobooks, and now beginning to read himself. Bean is much more hit or miss, loving books in theory but having minimal patience to sit through full books. Either way, setting aside time to read to the boys each day is incredibly important to me, as is having at least one of those books be one with a good message. Typically I’ll get out three or four books and let Spider Boy choose one for us to read. This enables me to focus where I’d like for us to go during Spirit Time, and then if either of the boys wants to read a second book (or more), I’m open to whatever they’re interested in. This morning, they both desperately wanted to read, and all three of us each picked out a book. We started with A Great Attitude—a simple book with a simple message about how it isn’t what happens to you that makes you have a good day, it’s how you choose to respond—and then moved on to Anh’s Anger—a wonderful story about a boy who befriends his anger and learns how to release the negative energy in ways that leave him feeling good and empowered. And then Bean snuggled into my lap to read What Does It Mean To Be Present—a simple yet beautifully illustrated book that talks about mindfulness and being present aimed at school-aged children. Bean had a great time pointing out the blue butterfly on each page.

I love having this time to read about things that are important to me, like mindfulness. They are each going to take away probably a sliver of what the book’s intention is, especially when we read something like poetry from Earth Prayers, but I know what is said is percolating in their brains when Spider Boy asks a question later in the day (or week, or even month) about one of our Spirit Time stories. For their first six years especially, children are such little sponges. They are absorbing substantially more of what they’re read to (and shown and told, etc.) than we ever anticipate, so my goal is to be sure that for at least one story a day, they’re being given tools to build a strong foundation for their social, emotional, and spiritual development.

Spirit Time On The Go

There are days when we simply just do not have time for Spirit Time. While any one step of Spirit Time is not that time consuming, the boys are still so young that there is a considerable amount of running around time in the midst of the practice, so it can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 90 minutes (not dedicated time, of course!) I typically have it incorporated into our morning routine so that we are getting dressed, going potty, and possibly even cooking breakfast in and around our practice. However, if we are planning a grand adventure for the day and need to be out of the house early, we will take Spirit Time with us. I will let my mom drive, and then I can walk the boys through a modified meditation and some reading time, and sometimes we will even squeeze some yoga in at the park or wherever we’re headed. (Bean loves to do Dead Bug Pose just about anywhere!)

As with so many things about parenting, this practice has taught me not to compartmentalize so much. No matter what we are doing throughout our day, this is life. It can feel crazy and chaotic sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have time to do what is important to us. At first it may feel like you’re carving out that time, and possibly even sacrificing something else in order to make it work, but then it becomes just a part of the routine, a part of life, as integral to your life as breathing is. This is my goal with Spirit Time, to make sure that I am taking the time to nourish my spirit all while showing my boys that it is something worth making time for. The long-term benefits for them are huge—self-regulation skills, the ability to focus, even improved health—and short-term, getting to share this part of my life with them is priceless. Namaste.

What is mindful parenting?

“Mindfulness practice means that we commit fully in each moment to be present; inviting ourselves to interface with this moment in full awareness, with the intention to embody as best we can an orientation of calmness, mindfulness, and equanimity right here and right now.” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

There is an exciting parenting movement afoot that is growing by leaps and bounds. While it may be more accurate to say there are many movements afoot—positive parenting, gentle parenting, conscious parenting, spiritually-aware parenting, attachment parenting, playful parenting, and more—they are all subtle variations on a theme. The label that is resonating the most for me these days is mindful parenting.

So what is mindful parenting? I suspect that everyone practices their subtle variation on this parenting theme in their own way—I know that I am a big believer in finding your own way of doing things that works for you—but these variations have more in common than not. Here is my take on what the key points are:

Respect. Your children are people too, just as deserving of your respect as the adults in your life. When you respect them, you are modeling what respect looks like, teaching them to respect others in return.

Limits. Setting and enforcing consistent limits is critical to a child’s sense of security. It is their job to test boundaries; it is your job to ensure those boundaries are strong.

Mirroring. Your children are your mirror. This works in a couple of different ways. Children learn from watching and imitating others’ behavior much more than they do from being talked to, so BE the things you want your children to be. And if you see a “negative” behavior showing up in your children, take a look at how you are feeling and acting now to see how you might be affecting them.

Listen. We often complain that our children don’t listen to us, but it is equally true that we often don’t really listen to them. Listening to your children not only helps them to feel heard, it can give you much needed insight into the way your children’s minds work.

Connection. Even the most independent children still need a strong emotional connection with their parents. The most connected children are the most secure children, and that security enables them to be more successful in life not just in the early years, but as teenagers and beyond. When children “act out,” they are almost always feeling disconnected. Help them to feel reconnected first, then try to teach them a better way to act.

Breathe. When in doubt, take a deep breath. If you need to, leave the room. Center yourself, get yourself back to a place of loving-kindness, then reengage. Children are incredibly sensitive to energy, and will respond in kind.

Play. Children learn and communicate through play. When we get down at their level and play with them, it’s not just fun, it’s a way for us to both learn and teach. If there’s something you really want your children to learn, find a way to make it a game.

Awareness. Being aware of what’s going on with you, what’s going on with your children, what’s going on in your environment, can make a huge impact in your ability to respond instead of react.

Stay Present. Life is unfolding in the present moment, and no one is better at truly living in the present than a child. Not only is this moment of huge importance to your children because every moment is, each moment of your own life is deserving of your full attention. The more you can slow down and experience the present moment, the more fully you can experience your life and your children’s lives.

Parenting is full of a lot of little moments that can easily get to feeling like drudgery, that can easily bring up a sense of resistance in us. When we practice mindfulness, we can shift those moments, we can “do the dishes” (as Byron Katie would say) and love the task that’s in front of us, and love our children just as they are in this moment. Mindful parenting is a reminder to me that a mindful life is a full life, and every moment is a blessing with the opportunity for learning, for growth, for joy, and for love. Namaste.

Mindful Parenting e-Bundle Sale!

I am super excited for the Mindful Parenting e-Bundle sale that begins today and runs through June 10th! Some of the top conscious parenting bloggers have joined forces to create a fantastic bundle of resources at a fraction of the cost. Topics include gentle parenting, self-care for parents, creativity and play, children and food, spirituality, and more—pretty much sums up what I’m all about these days!

More than 20 products for $24.95 (valued over $274). Available only from May 28 to June 10, 2013. And if you buy the bundle through my website, I get a portion of the proceeds. Win win!

I am going to be writing more about mindful parenting throughout the 12 days of the sale, but this is such a great deal that I wanted to get a quick blurb up about it this morning. I love how positive parenting, conscious parenting, gentle parenting, spiritually-aware parenting, mindful parenting—all subtle variations on what is essentially the same theme—are taking off and becoming more the “norm.” It bodes well for this generation of children and those to come—and their parents! Namaste.

Tag: mindful parenting

Becoming a Pretzel

“Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.” ~ L. Frank Baum

“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” ~ Rumi

“Lionel says his parents are vets. Sometimes, my daddy’s a dog.” ~ Baron Baptiste

“Summer fading
new friends’ faces
lighten the way home.” ~ Jon J Muth

Photo: “Morning Yoga,” by ╚ DD╔.

Structuring the Unstructured

Recommended Reading

photo: bridging knowledge to health by paul bica

Spirit Time

Meditation

Movement

Reading

Spirit Time On The Go

Recommended Reading

What is mindful parenting?

Recommended Reading

Mindful Parenting e-Bundle Sale!

Becoming a Pretzel

“Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.” ~ L. Frank Baum

“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” ~ Rumi

“Lionel says his parents are vets. Sometimes, my daddy’s a dog.” ~ Baron Baptiste

“Summer fading new friends’ faces lighten the way home.” ~ Jon J Muth

Photo: “Morning Yoga,” by ╚ DD╔.

Structuring the Unstructured

Recommended Reading

photo: bridging knowledge to health by paul bica

Spirit Time

Meditation

Movement

Reading

Spirit Time On The Go

Recommended Reading

What is mindful parenting?

Recommended Reading

Mindful Parenting e-Bundle Sale!

“Summer fading
new friends’ faces
lighten the way home.” ~ Jon J Muth