It’s All My Fault!

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“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.”
~ Hermann Hesse

The last couple of months have been tough ones at our house, for a variety of reasons. I have been in the process of coming off of a long-term medication, with unfortunate and adverse effects; I was responsible for creating the catalog for a recent fundraising auction, which took the bulk of my attention for many weeks; the pollen counts have been through the roof and the whole family has been coughing, sniffly, sneezy, and headachy; my husband has had to work some nights and weekends; and my boys have been their usual incredibly sensitive selves, where even slight challenges or changes get magnified by that lens of sensitivity. Often, when the boys start to “act out,” I know it’s a sign that I am uncentered and need to take steps to ground and recharge, so this past week I was working hard to do my part to restore order from the chaos . . . with mixed results, due at least in part to how out of whack everything had gotten.

By Saturday, the delicate balance in our family looked more like an off-balance washing machine, so it wasn’t necessarily surprising when a straw broke my proverbial camel’s back and I snapped. In a fit of frustration, I started saying, “Fine, it’s all my fault! I get it!” I was frustrated with myself more than anything, but I had been running on empty far too long, and all of my pent up anger and frustration and exhaustion started leaking out. Thankfully the grouchiness didn’t last–with help from my mum and my husband, we were able to turn the energy around in that statement. If it truly was all my fault, then I could also be “blamed” for the gorgeous weather, the abundance at the farmer’s market, the shade from the trees, and the scent of orange blossoms in the air. Writing about it now I can feel the shift inside again, the healing laughter that it created and my sense that I could just let go of “responsibility” alongside “blame.”

Letting go is truly empowering. Yes, of course, it is probably the highest form of empowerment to recognize that by shifting myself  (my thoughts, my energy, etc.) I can shift the world around me, however that knowledge can also be crazymaking when things aren’t going as well as you expect/hope/want. As a parent, I need reminding from time to time to let go, to not hold on so tight. There’s a happy balance in there where you find your sea legs, staying present and aware of what’s happening so you can shift where you need to, while holding on to any expectations you have of the outcome gently, letting go of the worry and replacing it with, say, curiosity about what will happen next.

As a write this, it’s another absolutely beautiful day that I’m happy to take credit for, but I’m also happy to not be responsible for it. I am happy to leave the care of my children in the hands of others for a few hours while I reboot and recharge and dream of what curiosity will bring. No matter how bad things get, no matter how awful and guilty and grouchy I feel, there is always more good than not. There is always more good than not. Namaste.

Surrender

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This is not the post I expected to be my first of 2012. As 2011 came to a close, I was gathering my thoughts and taking notes around setting my intention for the year. I’m not big on “resolutions” — much like “diets,” they seem to be things that you take on temporarily, and I am much more about lasting change. But there are a variety of occasions that naturally lend themselves towards a fresh start, and the new year is certainly one of them. 2012 is a year of power, and I envisioned kicking it off with some visioning and goal setting, perhaps a burning bowl ritual or a cleanse, really starting the year off on the right foot.

Best laid plans. This year is definitely confirming my belief that it is a year of power, but not in the grounded and flowing way I was expecting. It has been much more like wading out into the ocean and getting knocked down by a wave, standing back up again just to be knocked flat by another wave. And another. And another. And another. There was a Friday night mid-January when I was standing in my kitchen sobbing hysterically, frantic with how overwhelmed I was, with how much my life appeared to be spiraling out of control. Something broke in me that night, something that made me realize that no, truly, I am not going to get it all done. In fact, I’m not going to come even close to getting it all done. And some days that will well and truly suck. But most of the time it will genuinely be okay. It was a moment of surrender, and man, did it ever feel good.

Surrender can be a frightening concept. It leaves us feeling so vulnerable, so raw, so exposed, so powerless. But there is incredible power in surrender, in letting go, in getting out of the way. I find myself often believing the fallacy that I am somehow in control, which when you consider that I live with a toddler, a baby, and a husband is rather humorous. But when I let go, I allow myself to be carried along by the flow. And perhaps more importantly, I allow myself to step more fully into the moment and savor what it is that life is offering up for me right now.

Three stomach flus, one flu flu, and countless other ailments and challenges later, I look back over the last two months and recognize that there was a shift that needed to take place for me. A shift away from “holding it all together” to “going with the flow.” A shift from needing to get it all done to handling whatever is right in front of me. A shift from needing to be anything approaching perfect to just showing up as the best me I can muster in the moment. And some days it works better than others — it is definitely a work in progress, as with everything else in my life. But somewhere in the midst of this chaos, I have found some peace.  I am truly grateful for this path that I am walking through this life. It isn’t always easy, but it always brings me the gifts that I need. I have never been more clear about what my priorities are, about what is truly important, about what I have to be grateful for, about how blessed I am. So thank you 2012 for your ocean of power. I surrender. Namaste.

Originally posted on Pachamama Spirit